In 1986, Metallica released their third album, Master of Puppets. A breakout album for the band, it sold 300,000 copies in its first three weeks despite no music video and no radio airplay, and peaked at Number 29 on the Billboard album chart. In the nearly three decades that have followed, its place in the pantheon of metal albums is secure, widely hailed as one of the finest ever made.
For the latest in the Snack Food Reviews series, it is the 3rd track from that album that most applies to our subject at hand: Cheetos Turkey flavor
The third track of that thrash metal masterpiece, ladies and gentlemen? A nearly perfect title for the review at hand. It’s “The Thing That Should Not Be”.
The Bearded Giant has eaten a lot of strange foods in his time. Some are outstanding, like good squeaky cheese curds fresh in a plastic bag at the Tillamook Cheese Factory in Oregon. Some are just odd, like bacon-wrapped deep-fried angelfood cake at your local county fair. But then we have foods like these Cheetos…
To be fair, they don’t smell terrible. On opening the bag, you won’t run screaming, or be receiving a visit from Child Protective Services for exposing your children to hazmat. They don’t even taste terrible. It’s not like eating a moldy orange out of your high school locker on a dare.
They’re just wrong.
Cheetos are supposed to be cheesy. That’s the whole freaking point of Cheetos. You are supposed to get sticky orange dust all over your fingers that you wipe on your jeans, your sweatpants, your slow-moving cat, whatever, The Bearded Giant won’t judge. They’re supposed to crunch in your mouth, taste cheesy, make you feel like your life isn’t an endless stream of terrible choices, and then give you a sticky orange cheese powder mess to lick off your fingers (or let your dog lick it off… again, The Bearded Giant won’t judge).
These. Aren’t. Cheesy.
They aren’t. And frankly they aren’t that turkeyey either. Is turkeyey even a word? See what you have done to me, Turkey Cheetos? You have me making up words to attempt to describe your pathetic existence!
These don’t taste like much of anything. And they don’t have orange dust on them. Instead there’s kind of a yellow sort of faint dust left on your fingers but it’s barely there. I mean it’s a quantity of dust that will genuinely upset your dog when he walks over to lick your fingers after seeing you tear open that bright blue bag with Chester the Cheetah on it. Fido knows what’s up. He knows what that bag means. And when he gets there to lick your fingers clean, he is going to give you the most pathetic look. Like “what have you done to me? why have you tricked me so? what did I do wrong? are you going to take me to the vet now?”
That’s right. These Turkey Cheetos are so bad, they will send your dog into a depressed malaise, unable to get excited for his next walk, that one squeaktoy, or even the squirrel taunting him outside.
Curse you Turkey Cheetos for making puppy sad… Curse you!
(Editor’s note: Despite the distinct lack of discernable flavor, orange cheese powder, or happiness in general, The Bearded Giant still finished the bag. They WERE crunchy. But still, they were The Thing That Should Not Be.)